Forgiveness and Toxicity

Day Two –

No one still cares

Today I had done something that has become known as ‘petty’ behaviour. Specifically, I had let another person know about my former friend’s behaviour and I had devised a means for them to confront each other.

My intentions; anger and vindication. This person had treated me badly in the past and now they were treating our mutual friend through similar methods of hurt.

Does that make me as toxic as the person I was trying to stop from hurting others?

This classic quote defines my internal dilemma;

“Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster… for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.”

Friedrich Nietzsche

Forgiveness was the ultimate reason for this to form. I believe that no one owes you forgiveness, no matter how little or severe the action. A long way to having the chance for mercy is how you apologise.

To my angered mind, their apology left a lot to be desired. Even now, I could see little repentance but they expected total absolution. In fact, it seemed they turned it that they were the victim in this situation.

However, despite this, I acted rashly and terribly. I will admit, I am not the best person. Even more so I am far from a decent person at times. Darkness in the forms of manipulation and toxic intentions.

I was glad that I was right about this person, that they revealed their colours. In doing so, however, I revealed my own in turn.

I need to be better but sometimes I can’t be.

But I don’t expect forgiveness.

And sometimes I won’t want it.

Jestinay

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