It all started with Death

Death Waits for No One

So now that I have finally succeeded in posting something after more than a month, I think it is now time to come clean about my thoughts and feelings as to why I vanished for a long time.

First Stages of Grief; Shock & Denial

Namely, the death of a person I had known since I was four years old. A woman and family friend from lung cancer that had then gone on to her brain. She had passed the next day after I bit the bullet and returned to my hometown, after seven years in fact.

So let us go back even further and delve into the death of my connection to this woman, through the death of my family relations. I was fifteen, still very much an angst queen and deeply in love with the idea of escape. Escape from a family that had hurt me more times than I can count, and although we were bound by blood, there was little of connection that I desperately depend on, that we all depend on.

Escape from a family that had hurt me more times than I can count. Although we were bound by blood, there was little of connection that I desperately depend on, that we all depend on.

So I ran, into the arms of my then boyfriend and his home.

I had not seen my family much since then and as this woman, who had been a very real part of my childhood as my mum’s best friend, I had lost contact with her.

I had grown older, had lived my life the best I could but hearing of her imminent passing, I had taken it up upon myself to give a final goodbye.

She was very different, her presence far smaller than what it had been when she was whole and I was smaller both physically and dare I say mentally. You could see the tumour beneath her face, pulsing with death in a very real form. There wasn’t much to say but I won’t regret that decision.

Family Values

Or the lack of family values should I say. With her best friend passing, I decided to be gentler on my mother. Allow forgiveness to the point, I would stay with her and do the minuscule I could.

A death of familial connection, a long, dragged-out, meaningless suffering that I had helped create because I did not disregard her and the others who had made me question myself even to this day.

I felt myself closing off, shutting in, feeling the tendrils of doubt and insecurity reach the same peak of when I was a young girl desperate to find meaning in the macabre and strange.

Yet I stayed.

Technology & School

My laptops had died on me. Although this is mundane, this had left me adrift as I had come to rely on word documents as my writing medium. Without pen or paper, all I was left with was thoughts. Thoughts that had plagued and festered as I trapped myself in this environment of denial and self-hatred.

Alas, as real life seeped in with the form of school, I was cast into the territory of catch up and beg for forgiveness. It was brutal and I had spent many sleepless nights desperately finishing assignments because it was my choice to go back. To be in this situation.

Friendship, Love & Hatred

All this came at a dear cost. The death of connections as I felt my thoughts turn towards people who I’ve come to admire and cherish. I felt myself clinging onto threads of self-depreciation to the point I thought it was gone. That, the friendships I had formed were damaged beyond repair.

In a malaise of action, I ran.

My solution to everything in regards to love and care. I shut away, deeming myself unfit for human companionship. I hurt and I know it was me but it left shadows of did anyone else truly care or did I project my desire to love, onto others?

Final Stage of Grief; Acceptance

The death of so many things but it all came to head with a Doctor’s appointment. People intervened because I had reached the point that others had to and that is the most heartbreaking part. I could not pretend that everything was okay, that I will be alright.

I was diagnosed with Severe Depression.

Every aspect of what had happened led me to this point and what came when I was told; you are not lazy, you are not stupid, you are not dramatic. Your mind, your beautiful and terrible mind is hurting you but it can get better.

I still struggle, I still have many issues to get through but I know, that maybe. I can get through and not only survive but thrive and that’s wonderful. Beyond reason.

It helps that I have writing to help me as well.

 

 

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